It seems like overnight my daughter discovered how to speak, and the words flood in by the dozens every day. Every few minutes she’s asking, “and dis? What dis?”
This morning the baby monitor didn’t wake me with the typical cries and whines. Instead, I heard my sweet little Anna talking to the elephants on the wall. “Dada, Momma, Anna.. Dada, Momma, Anna.” I rounded the corner to her bedroom slowly, and she didn’t see me standing there. She continued to chant, and she ran her fingers over the vinyl elephants. “Dada, Momma, Anna.”
When the floor creaked and gave my hiding place away, Anna looked up and met my gaze with the sweetest little smile. Excited, she said, “mama!” and ran her hand over the wall, resting over the heart, “what dis?”
I felt tears sting my eyes, so proud of my little lady. This moment snuck up so unexpectedly, and would pass so quickly. I just had to make it last a little bit longer.
We stood and talked about the elephants for a few minutes before I scooped her up for hugs and kisses, ready to start our day. I couldn’t believe just moments ago I was begging the Lord for 5 more minutes of sleep. I was wondering how I would leave the security of my weighted blanket or heated mattress, and thoroughly believed nothing could be as good as that bed felt.
I’ve spent too many days hiding in bed with my depression. When the mom-guilt sinks in, I sit and wonder how many of these beautiful moments I’ve missed while I isolated myself with my own sadness. Anna doesn’t seem to notice. She’s babbling and kissing my cheek like this is the only way it’s ever been. Her reaction is the most sincere motivation to try for moments like this, to wake up and embrace the day instead of hiding from it. To get out of bed.
I’m always working on mindfulness but it’s easier said than done. Moms have it rough. We beat ourselves up over the past, and overwhelm ourselves being anxious about the future. It’s easy to end up going through the motions without being completely present. Most of the time I’m so sucked into my thoughts that I feel like a bad mother. What have I missed? What have THEY missed out on because of me? Why am I not good enough? Am I making THEIR lives good enough?
..But then a moment like this morning happens. A moment where you have no choice but to stop and take it all in. It got me out of bed. Hell, it got me in the shower, out of the house and got my errands completed. I’ve had a really great day- there might be something to this mindfulness thing.
Learn from my mistakes, and benefit from my retrospect: Slow it down today. Be mindful. Take it in. Beauty just mind find you when you’re least expecting it, so make sure your eyes are open when it comes!
With healthy hearts,
Kate and the Kids.