This morning I came across a pregnancy meme that I just HAD to share with my sister. It brought me back to both of my pregnancies where I wondered the same thing, and I know she’s been thinking of it too.
The image reads, “Everything grows rounder and wider and weirder, and I sit here in the middle of it all and wonder who in the world you will turn out to be.” – Carrie Fisher
The image brought up so many feelings for me, feelings so big I just didn’t know how to describe them. Being raised by a mother who obsessed with reading, the love of beautiful words has been engraved into my soul. I just had to find the right word.
That’s how I came across the word énouement – The bitter sweetness of having arrived in the future, seeing how things turn out, and not being able to tell your past self.
If I could tell my younger self how things turn out, maybe I’d have been able to savor those little moments more. If I hadn’t been emotionally rushing my pregnancies out of excitement to meet my babies, I could have just soaked in every moment, every flutter and kick. Now I’m watching my sister have these thoughts and feelings and the “I can’t waits!” It’s so easy to tell her to slow down and enjoy it, but I know it isn’t easy advice to accept.
Of course, reading the definition of the word brought up a lot of negative stuff for me too, Like the night Jacen’s dad literally walked down the street and out of our lives. I wish I could tell my young self that it’s the best thing that could have happened, and not waste the tears. I’d love to tell myself how to lose my weight sooner and avoid all those years of torture. I’d love to tell my hurting self to welcome help.. But I can’t. I have to just accept that all of those things shaped who I am today, and there’s a reason I can’t spoil the ending for myself.
I’ve learn to trust that everything happens for a reason. Even if it doesn’t make sense right now, you’ll one day look back with hindsight bias and realize that ‘this too shall pass.’ It makes the “now” frustrating. It’s easy to have doubts and fears and anxiety. It’s natural to want to rush things, and to look forward to seeing how things turn out. Despite all of those easy feelings, I’m wishing you mindfulness today.
Living in the moment isn’t easy, but you’ll one day discover your énouement. You’ll wish you had those little baby kicks back. You’ll even wish you had those sleepless newborn nights back; when she smelled new, and didn’t rollover or run away from you. You’ll wish you didn’t waste the tears when negative people walked out. You’ll wish you learned from your mistakes the first time around, without repeating them. You’ll have regrets, for both good and bad reasons.
Slow down. You were given this moment for a reason, take it in. Take the best of it. Be happy. Be here. Be mindful.
With healthy hearts,
Kate and the Kids.