I had my very first content request this week! I couldn’t be more excited. It means so much to me that I have some seriously loyal readers, and having feedback from you all really makes me feel like you’re an active part in my healing journey.
Easter is a very special time for me. In 2017 we were able to make the EXTREMELY emotional announcement that we were pregnant with Anna. It was a long road, and one I still think about every day. I take every opportunity I can to share my Facebook memories of my pregnancy, and to appreciate the gift of my rainbow baby. It was on one of these posts that my follower had requested the whole story- so here we go!
Backing way up to 2009, I unexpectedly got pregnant with Jacen. I certainly was not trying. I was 19, and in my very first relationship. We had been together just a few weeks when I came down with a terrible case of Mono and resistant strep throat. For just over three weeks I took high doses of antibiotics and could not manage to get out of bed. I slept for huge blocks of time, and my whole schedule was thrown off. The days blurred, and I became super irresponsible with my birth control. I couldn’t remember when I had taken it or missed it. I’d sleep through days of doses, then try to make up for it by taking multiple tablets to catch up. This erratic schedule messed with my hormone levels, and the antibiotics I took lowered the effectiveness of the few doses I did manage to get down. That’s all it took. Bam! I was pregnant, just two cycles in to a new relationship. It was quite a shock.
Being a young, single mom wasn’t easy. I no longer took contraception lightly, and had an IUD placed. I met my husband, and we started talking about the future. We each had a child from a previous relationship, and had learned our lesson from previous “surprises.” We took our time getting to know each other and built a strong foundation for a good marriage. We decided to start trying for a baby right after we were married, and I had my IUD removed just a month after our wedding. This was December of 2013.
Just a few weeks later, we were preparing for a trip to New Hampshire for my birthday. We had booked a big condo with a group of friends, and planned on spending a beautiful weekend being snowed in on a gorgeous mountain. I was looking forward to it, and nothing would stop be from going.
Unfortunately, right before we were supposed to leave for the trip Jacen and I were in a car accident. The weather was horrible this particular day. It was snowing thick, heavy, wet sludge and it immediately froze to ice when it hit the ground. Traffic slowed as the conditions became more dangerous. The road had turned into a parking lot. Tons of cars had lost control, and other drivers were stuck as tow trucks and police squeezed in to do their jobs. We had come to a stop behind a line of stopped cars, right at the base of the Sagamore bridge. There was a new, teenage driver behind us. She was going a little too fast over the bridge, not expecting traffic to be at a complete halt when she got to the other side. She tried to hit the breaks, but the bridge was too icy. She slid all the way down, picking up downhill momentum. She was going pretty fast when she rear ended us. My car lurched forward and to the left, bumping several feet in front of her Jeep, and my front end turning to hit the guard rail. We were completely perpendicular to traffic when her Jeep caught up to us, and she slammed into us a second time.
Jacen and I went to the hospital, where they told me I had a bad case of whiplash and sent me home. Mike and I decided we still wanted to go to New Hampshire with our friends. If anything, I needed an escape to relax after the accident. Thinking I only had a case of whiplash, we headed out to our scenic condo in a snowstorm. It didn’t turn out to be the birthday I had expected. I could not stay awake, and the room was spinning. I was nauseous and confused for days. My friends were drinking, and the roads were iced over. There was no way anyone was driving me to the hospital.
At one point, my sister and her (now) husband jumped into my bed to check up on me. I was mortified when the sheet pulled back, and revealed I had been bleeding while I slept. I originally thought it was just a period. I was embarrassed and just wanted to forget about it. On the way home from our trip, we decided that my sleepiness and pain had gone on too long. I went into the emergency room, with terrible head and abdominal pain. I had a severe concussion, and discovered the bleeding was actually a miscarriage. We were devastated.
I ended up with PTSD from the accident, and had a hard time driving. I couldn’t make it in to work without major anxiety attacks on the bridge, and had to change jobs to avoid the accident route. I also could not shake my miscarriage, and the depression dragged me down every single day. We just kept trying for a baby, and I convinced myself that pregnancy would heal my emotional wounds. I really thought that it was the only thing that would help me get over the anxiety and depression.
I was training at my new job just a few months later when I suddenly felt a gush of blood. I went immediately to the emergency room and discovered I was having a second miscarriage. I couldn’t understand why it was happening, there was no accident or trauma this time. Depression consumed me. I withdrew in my marriage and became distant with the Jacen and Arielle. My binge eating was out of control, as I self medicated with the endorphins from carbohydrates. I put on weight rapidly, and my mental state quickly spiraled. My OCD reared its ugly head, and I became fixated on getting pregnant. I took daily ovulation and pregnancy tests, hoping for the best. I put a ton of stress on Mike with scheduled sex, home remedies and a TON of vitamins and supplements. We fought, a whole lot. There was a lot of blame and sadness, and we were not kind to each other.
I hated being at work. Every time I walked by the chair where I had felt that gush of blood I flashed back to my miscarriage. I had daily anxiety attacks, and was uncharacteristically irritable and confrontational with my coworkers. Every single day was miserable. I spent the days wound up at work, and the evenings fighting with Mike. I did not seek mental help, and food was my only comfort.
I ate myself sick. My A1C and blood sugar were completely out of control. I had high blood pressure, and high cholesterol. The weight caused huge issues with my hormones, resulting in skin issues, a fungal BO smell (no matter how many showers I took) and uncontrolled, miserable periods. My self confidence plummeted. I felt worthless, ugly and smelly. The physical pain from my PCOS made every single day a battle. Doctors didn’t offer much help, they just told me to lose the weight. I was stuck in a depression/binge cycle that got worse every day.
After months of trying, Mike and I sought intervention with IVF. I was put on Metformin (a diabetic drug) to manage my sugar and insulin issues. It took months of adjusting, and I ended up on the highest recommended dose. Imaging revealed several issues. I had masses on my uterus, cysts and polyps. I went for multiple surgeries, a ton of appointments and imaging, and buried us financially with meds and treatment that our insurance did not cover. Eventually, the doctor sat down with us and told me she had to stop intervention. She was out of ideas, and I needed to get my weight under control before proceeding.
If I thought I was at rock bottom before, I must have been in the negative at this point. I mourned, but eventually it was the wake up call I needed. I made some serious lifestyle changes, and started therapy for my binge eating. We took a break from trying to conceive, and started using birth control from again. I focused on getting healthy, and saw every pound lost as a step closer to pregnancy. Taking the stress of baby planning out of the picture gave Mike and I a chance to meet our relationship, and we were happier than ever.
When I lost 100 pounds, Mike and I booked a weekend getaway. We forgot the contraceptives, but figured it didn’t matter anyways with our history. When we got back home, we resumed trying to NOT get pregnant. It was quite a shock when I ended up with a positive pregnancy test just one month after our trip. We were overjoyed and over the moon. It was hard to keep our secret, but we didn’t want to get our hopes up and end up with another miscarriage either. Those first 12 weeks went by so incredibly slow, but finally announcing felt amazing. I’ll never forget my mom’s reaction, or the happy tears my sister shed. It had been such a long road, but I still feared future loss every single day. It was a very long, very difficult pregnancy.
.. to be continued.