Knowing When to Say “Not Today.”

I’ll be honest- I wasn’t looking forward to my latest therapy session. I’ve only been sleeping 2 or 3 hours at night, and it’s messing with both my mental and physical health. Lack of sleep affects memory, body sensation, focus, and so much more. The migraines have been terrible, and my patience with “mom problems” has run quite thin.

Like any parent, I carry a lot of guilt when I lose my cool with the kids. I don’t want them to feel like they need to walk on eggshells because Mom’s in a bad mood, but it’s easy to blow your top when you’re running on fumes. For a few days our home was caught in the vicious cycle of mom is tired-> mom yells -> mom can’t sleep at night because she’s anxiously beating herself up for yelling -> mom is tired.. etc.

While we are on the topic of vicious cycles, sleep has also sucked me into a physical-mental spiral. I physically feel crummy between the headaches and over all exhaustion, which makes me feel guilty, anxious and depressed. I make poor food choices, which physically makes me feel sick. I emotionally beat myself up for my bad behavior, then once again want to comfort myself with food. Some days I stay in bed because I’m “sick,” but the lack of productivity makes my depression worse. The depression manifests with body aches, tiredness and nausea- which tricks me into thinking I’m sick again. I stay in bed all day to recover. As much as I want to pull myself out of the loop, I just haven’t been able to.

There was a familiar cloud of dread when I looked at the calendar on Sunday night and saw my Monday therapy appointment. That old temptation to cancel it and stay in bed crept into my mind. Even on Monday morning I had debated blowing it off completely and sucking up the no-show fee. I’ve worked so hard to improve myself, why was I falling back into my bad habits? Getting there was 90% of the battle, but the moment my hand touched that office doorknob some of my positivity returned. I was making the decision to change. I was taking back control.

I find EMDR to be the most effective therapy, but it’s also emotionally taxing. In the past I’d jumped right into a session when I wasn’t ready, and it resulted in physical symptoms. Trying to process on low fuel gives me vertigo, weak knees and shaky limbs. I have poor depth perception, and sometimes bump into the doorframe on my way out or trip over flat ground. It isn’t safe to drive home like that, and it’s not conducive to emotional healing.

Now that I’ve spent about a year doing EMDR, I’ve learned what to do and what not to. I’m finally in tune with my body and can say “you know, I don’t think I can handle EMDR today. It’s a session for talk therapy.”

I definitely had enough to fill a session- good news, vacations planned, exciting Auntie updates over my beautiful niece, stress with the kids, non-scale victories, and hurt with absent family members. We talked a lot about my sleep habits, and some options for breaking the cycle. I’m hoping some of them will work, and I’ll be able to get back to my EMDR next session.

I wanted to share this to let everyone know that progress does not have to be tunnel-style linear. To heal emotionally, be open to more than just one type of therapy. Do not push yourself too far, or burn yourself out. It’s okay to take a small step, or even a slow step on your journey. Resting and recovering is a crucial part of long term success. Listen to your body.

Talking out some of the current emotions and thoughts lifted a bit off weight off of my shoulders. It was enough to motivate me to clear off my desk, and tidy up the clutter in my office. I’d been avoiding writing and keeping up with the administrative tasks of running a family because I didn’t want to deal with the mess. A clear desk literally gives me a fresh start, and opened up channels for productivity.

After writing, I found myself preparing healthy dinner plates for the family instead of giving into take-out.. (something I’ve regrettably indulged in for a few days out of laziness.) Anna and I picked up the living room together, laughed, tickled and snuggled. It was a nice change from the nights I’d passive aggressively chucked toys into the bucket from across the room, muttering under my breath the whole time. When the kids were in bed, I even spent some time with Mike instead of rolling over and hiding in a cocoon of blankets. Sleep still has not found its way back into my life, but I’m trying to stay positive and hoping for a quick return.

Small changes are still changes. Just getting to my therapy appointment was enough to veer away from my depressive cycle, and inspire healthy decisions this evening. It wasn’t the ultra-effective trauma processing I’d hoped for, but it was something. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and recovery does not happen overnight.

Stay open minded. Stay positive. Stay motivated.

Kate and the Kids.

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