Today I ran into someone I used to go to school with. I pulled my hat down a little and covered as much of my face as I could with my mask. I had every intention of darting down the next aisle, and getting lost among the other Target shoppers. Nope, it never works the way you want it to. Leave it to my beautiful Anna and her easily recognizable face.
They called me out. I was hoping a wave from a six foot social distance would suffice, but of course they came over to see the girls. LUCKY for me, I had just walked 7 miles at the canal in 88 degree heat, so I smelled FANTASTIC. I was living my literal worst nightmare.
At one point she said, “Hey, do you still write on your blog? I see the stuff you share, but I haven’t seen you write in a long time.” She speaks the truth. It’s so easy to click and repost someone else’s content, but I just haven’t been able to write my own.
So, where have I been? Try to imagine the lowest, deepest, darkest hole you can think of. I mean absolute rock bottom. Well, I’ve been about three floors below that. The depression has been so heavy. I’m overwhelmed by everything, even the simplest of tasks. I spend most days in bed, hiding behind my light-blocking curtains, ignoring my phone notifications, and imagining I’m somewhere else. Someone else. I have so much hate for myself that I just don’t want to be me anymore.
Once again I have hid my desk under a pile of clutter, then I tell myself it’s too much work to clean it all up just to blog. I feel so dumb blogging. Who even reads this stuff? Is it just for me? Is it worth the effort? I get overwhelmed and go back to bed. Repeat for four months.
In reality, I DO need to blog. Who cares how many followers I have? It’s for me. I need to get this stuff off my chest and set it free. In the stay at home mom world, there aren’t many tasks make me feel accomplished. Blogging does that. Finishing a task start to finish, then sharing it for anyone else to read- it brings me pride. It makes me hate myself a little bit less, and it seems like I could use every single little ‘bit’ I can find.
I’m inconsistent with just about everything. I could blame it on my bipolar disorder, or how busy the kids keep me. Those things might contribute to it, but at the core it’s just me. It’s me choosing laziness and giving into my depression.
My apathy caught up with me today, as it always does. You see, this past week has been my lowest, hardest week. I ignored my texts, calls, messages and e-mails – so I missed an important message from my Doctor. I also missed a Facebook message from a dear friend asking for a simple video wishing someone Happy Birthday. I never made the appointments I was supposed to schedule, never did the things I was supposed to do. Well, there’s a deadline for everything. I wasn’t part of the birthday video because I couldn’t get my shit together. I’m in danger of running out of my meds because my doctor can’t refill them until we set up an appointment. I’m suffering with my vitamin deficiencies because I can’t pick up the phone and schedule an infusion. I’m the conductor of my own train wreck. Choo choo.
I’d love to enthusiastically celebrate that I’m back to writing and I have a ton of great health tips to share- but I just can’t promise that. I haven’t even been able to use my own health advice, so should I really be giving it out to others? Regardless, oftentimes the first step is the hardest, so let’s hope this starts a chain reaction of awesome blog content!
Thanks to everyone who has loved and supported me through my dark days. If you’re in the depression pit just know you’re not alone. I’m cheering for you, even if it’s from the bottom of my own pit. Better days will come, especially if we stick together and encourage one another.
Stay safe. Stay healthy.
Wash your hands. Wear a mask. Socially distance.