Digging out of My Mental Clutter

I’ve been fighting a very deep, very intense battle with my mental health. I can easily admit that my depression is the absolute worst that it has been in my whole life. It has stolen so many things from me, including my blog. When I’m low I have no energy to jump on the computer, no creativity to come up with something to write, and no confidence to bare my soul to strangers.

I’m trying to help myself out of the darkness again, for the nine millionth time. I’m back on a schedule/routine to make sure I get the important tasks done, a healthy diet (to hopefully kick those 15 pounds that I just can’t seem to shake) and starting to see the light of spring at the end of the super dark, cold, winter tunnel.

My home gets overwhelmingly cluttered in the winter. With six people in the home and three dogs it seems like there is always something in my way.. Especially since we had to add an office area for the kids’ remote learning and a bowflex & stationary bike in lieu of my gym and Jacen’s Ehler’s-Danlos Synrome Physical Therapy.

The house clutter has my anxiety running on high. The ‘leaving the house’ clutter of layering up in the cold months sets off my sensory issues. The real issue is the clutter of my mind.

I’ve accumulated a few more mental health diagnoses since our last chat. They account for a good portion of the clutter, but not in the way you think. As strange as it is to say, especially for someone who is so supportive in the mentally ill community, I have a very difficult time accepting medical diagnoses. It always feels like they are a permanent label of who I am, and I worry the stigma they carry will affect the way people interact with me. I spend way too much time trying to hide what’s going on in my brain. As I’m fixated on fighting my labels or hiding my symptoms, the other things are ignored and problems start replicating like little brain bunnies. All of a sudden I realize I’ve forgotten appointments, tasks, or even just my own basic preferences. Last weekend I was zoned out as a passenger in a car. All of a sudden Mike is asking me how I want my coffee. I didn’t even realize we had pulled off the road and into the drive thru line. Even stranger, I couldn’t remember my own coffee order. (I drink several cups of coffee per day, so I felt REAL dumb.) I just spit out some jumble of words, then choked down one bitter AF coffee. I need a mental clean out.

I’m hoping coming back to my blog will help clear the clutter. I just need to get these things out of my brain, and if they’re written here I can let them go.

Today is my second good day in a row. (Prior to that, good days have been scarce since October.) I want to make the best of the positive time I have. Yesterday was a planning and organization day, today is a ‘purge the clutter’ day. I can’t do the whole house in one day, quit wearing layers in the dead of winter or permanently clear my mind of thoughts that don’t “spark joy,” but I’m dead set on heading in that direction.

Glad to have you along for the ride,

Kate.