Leaving the House with Depression.

Oh me, oh my. This mental health stuff comes with a ton of appointments. Throw in the nine million specialists Jacen sees for his Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and two kids on a regular vaccine schedule- I feel like we always have somewhere we are supposed to be! (not to mention the cold, flu, covid, and winter illness that are seen in urgent care!)

My depression has been really, really awful. It’s hard to get out of the house, get dressed, or even just put on clean clothes. Dirty pajamas forever. I was having a particularly rough day on my scheduled appointment with my therapist- and I made the terrible decision to just skip it all together. I didn’t call to cancel or even respond when she sent a ‘hey, where are you?’ text.
Coming out of that low, I’m mortified that I just left her hanging. We have since talked about it and are fine, but for the sake of my own health I need to stop pulling this shit.

I’ve known for a long time that this particular week, 3/15/2021-3/21/2021, would be hell for appointments. Not only are they frequent, they are all important, stressful ones.
The anxiety started Thursday night in anticipation for my busy week. I started making lists and schedules, printing out information I needed, and just anything I could to feel more organized. By Friday I was irritable, finally meeting with my therapist and getting almost nothing productive done because my OCD had me stuck on appointment anxiety. When Saturday came, I stayed busy to keep my mind off it, but when we finally got home to relax the intrusive thoughts just flooded in. By Sunday I was basically constantly crying,  even having passive suiȼidal thoughts that my illness is a burden on my husband and family. As I write this, it’s Monday morning and I’m just hours away from that first appointment. Every hour closer seems like I’ve added another kettlebell to carry on my chest. I’m so emotionally exhausted, trudging through mud, can’t breathe or focus, want to quit now.

I know I have to do these things. I know that these kinds of appointments are supposed to help me NOT feel this way in the future- but my anxiety just won’t listen to me. It just won’t ease up.
It’s affected my sleep, relationships, productivity and self care for an entire week.

What I really need to do right now is to wake up, dress up, and show up. Thankfully I have about four hours to do this because I’m moving like a sloth and need constant reminders/cheerleaders to get me through the basic tasks.

Writing this post just reminds how lucky I am to have my supporters. My husband, sister, kids and my mom have all come together to help manage my stress. I am forever in debt to their kindness. 

If I can make it through the entire day, you can make it through a task or two.
What are you struggling with? Take 1 small step towards conquering your mountain. You’ll likely come out the other side realizing it was only a speed bump.

Get up. Dress up. Show up.
Kate and the Kids